HOW THE LONELY DIE

Without doing so deliberately the moment before entering the tunnel before entering darkness I try to remember I always try to remember the last thing I saw what was the last thing I saw before entering darkness will this be my last memory the last thing I see is this how death is I cannot know but I can imagine what will be the last thing I see the last thing I see will be the last thing I see the last thing I see before entering darkness will be the last thing I see is this how death is the last thing I see will be whatever my eye sees before darkness and I want not to attach too much meaning to it to things to this thing this last thing I see thing to make it closer to death in its singularity but want just the last thing I see to be the last thing I see as any day's forgotten things have become the last things I saw the rusty sink basin the open front door the crumbs in the cupholder from a cookie you put down to pay a toll and today before entering the tunnel before darkness leaves me my reflection the last thing I see is a fawning lamp pole spread out in silver humps backlit by a blue sky and I know the air is warm the days are long and I wonder about you sitting where I last saw you at your desk in summer one week before we were to drive to the desert to set off fireworks that would be our holiday but it never happened but I see it I see it anyway I see it clearly just as I see you in your white t shirt reading never looking up at me waving hello you said nothing ok goodbye I said you said nothing and instead of seeing that everywhere seeing what happened everywhere everywhere I see the two of us in a desert setting off fireworks I see it everywhere in the afternoon sky I am smiling before the tunnel lingering as the last thing I see and you are looking at me smiling as the last thing I see before entering darkness is the desert bright with blooms and I don't want this to be the last thing I see I don't want the last thing I see to be what never was I'd rather what's here now the silver lamp pole the sunlight the blue sky than who we said we'd be but never were.